Thursday, December 15, 2011

Thursday 13: Why You're Not Published

13 Reasons Why You're Not Published:
  1. Best-selling authors are not discovered by talent agents wandering the local shopping malls.
  2. Your male-male-male paranormal romance is not Middle Grade fiction.  Ever.
  3. You tout yourself to be the next King, Rowling, or Shakespeare – sorry, you're not.
  4. You're not ready to be published yet.  You haven't written enough.  Scouring the web for farting Pandas is not writing.
  5. Your pitch is too weak.  "I can solve the Rubik's Cube."  Big deal, who can't?  Tell me you can solve it while juggling and now you've at least got my attention.
  6. Forty chapters of your main character staring at themselves in various mirrors will not sell.
  7. The Simpsons did it already.
  8. Your first novel does not deserve solid gold typesetting for your revered masterpiece – nor a seven-figure advance.
  9. Your scented submission printed on glow-in-the-dark paper was sent directly to – the recycling bin.
  10. You handle rejection as poorly as one of your angst-ridden YA characters.  Despite the temptation, always bite your electronic tongue.  Admittedly, the use of profanity and insults via email, Twitter, Facebook, and your blog will get you noticed – but only as unprofessional and difficult to work with.
  11. Your mom is not an editor.
  12. Your novel cannot be sold as a series.  Publishing is a business.  I got hooked on the Rubik's Cube, and then on every variation of that theme.  Just ask my wife how much money we're sending overseas to find the next great twisty puzzle ;-)  It was the original one that started it all, and each subsequent one brings in the real money.  Keep that in mind with your novel.
  13. There is simply too much competition.  Vampires, need I say more?
Thirteen is certainly not an exhaustive list.  Do you have any to add to my list?

Thanks to the queen of subtle on Flickr for the fantastic picture.


  1. These are hilarious. Male-male-male paranormal romance is not MG--HA! Love it.

  2. You never know! Kids grow up so fast these days

    Always glad to hear from you, Lori.

  3. Your fantasy thriller set in a world that only eats Velveeta is cheezy and doesnt interest me.

  4. Mary, good one ;-) I don't think anyone would want to live in such a world.

  5. I loved this brief and witty post, Jason. I'm not as humorous in my writing, so I'll abstain from adding to the list. Gotta' share this on Twitter! :)