I love to laugh, but unfortunately, it doesn't happen enough. Okay, I laugh at myself, but that's usually more of a gentle chuckle. Anyway, for me to get a hearty laugh, great comedy also makes me think.
Today, I wanted to share a list of quotes that I think are really funny. I'm sure at least one of these will make you laugh – and hopefully make you think, too.
13 Great Quotes From Comedy
1. I took a speed reading course and read "War and Peace" in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.
-Woody Allen
2. A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy.
-Demetri Martin
3. Schrödinger's furniture both did and did not have fur all over it.
-God via Twitter (@TheTweetOfGod)
4. Madam, there's no such thing as a tough child – if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.
-W.C. Fields
5. A lot of Christians wear crosses around their necks. You really think when Jesus comes back he ever wants to see a f***ing cross? Kinda like going up to Jackie Onassis with a little sniper rifle pendant.
-Bill Hicks
6. There's no such thing as soy milk. It's soy juice.
-Lewis Black
7. The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, “You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.
-George Carlin
8. Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
-Steven Wright
9. You won’t be able to take your eyes off the next four presenters: Salma Hayek and Penelope Cruz.
-Chris Rock, Host of the Oscars
10. I like video games, but they are very violent. I want to create a video game in which you have to help all the characters who have died in the other games.
"Hey, man, what are you playing?"
"Super Busy Hospital. Could you leave me alone? I'm performing surgery! This guy got shot in the head, like, 27 times!"
-Demetri Martin
11. "No Comment" is a comment.
-George Carlin
12. I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
-Stephen Wright
13. A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh.
-Conan O'Brien
Any favorites of your own? Please leave a comment.
Thank you cheriejoyful on Flickr for the adorable boy. He makes me smile just looking at the photo.
I enjoyed reading those. Thanks.
ReplyDeletemood
These are great! I love Steven Wright, here's another line of his that makes me laugh:
ReplyDelete"The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard."
Thanks to both of you! It was really hard to whittle down the list. Lori, I don't remember that one. Awesome, I should have made it a 'Baker's 13'!
ReplyDeleteThey sure did make me smile a bit (and think too) :).
ReplyDeleteHi there Heartbroken, I'm happy to have brightened your day. Welcome to The Puzzling Mind, thanks for joining :-)
ReplyDelete#11 is my FAVORITE! I just laughed so hard :0)
ReplyDeleteI know! George had so many great lines I could have had an entire post of just his thought-provoking ones. Here's another great one: "What if there were no hypothetical questions?"
ReplyDelete"Every time I read 'Pride and Prejudice,' I want to dig her up and hit her over the skull with her own shin-bone." ― Mark Twain on Jane Austen
ReplyDeleteHappy New Year, Santoki! How could I leave out Twain?
ReplyDelete